This and that.

“Life is like a novel. It’s filled with suspense. You have no idea what is going to happen until you turn the page.”

Wise words I think, no one can foresee anything.

My last few months have been spent between hope, misery, pain and a gritty determination to keep going.

i still am keeping going. Various hospital admissions, transfers to hospice and then home and then hospital again and hospice has been the norm, since last few weeks my husband has been in hospice.

The thing about our care is most of us ( me included) never look into it or pay much attention to it, may be sub consciously it frightens us, none of us want to think of our mortality. Only concentrating and looking forward to the good things in life, jobs, promotions, having children and then their progress and then grand children,we are too busy enjoying ourselves,who wants to think of unpleasant things which might or might not happen to us?

No , neither did I.

Now that most treatments options have run out and they are treating my husband palliatively , he can either stay in the hospice or come home. He would rather stay at the hospice,as he feels secure there surrounded by professionals ,last few times he came home his anxiety levels went very high,I never knew he had anxiety,he has always been a very controlled,quite and reserved man.

But he can not stay in the hospice, there are only four beds available for such patients,who have a terminal illness but are not exactly so poorly as to die anytime,in other words they are deemed as having a life expectancy or three months or less/more. So if the four beds are occupied then you have to think of either home or a private nursing home. And there are very few nursing homes which have such beds.

So the chances are he probably will be coming home. Am not squeamish about it, am used to hard work and caring ,so with a bit of help I should be and will have to cope. I think I have done a lot of my grieving silently, each day I let go of little bit more of my life as I knew it,I want him to be comfortable and at peace, and for that am willing to do anything. After all that is what you sign up for when you marry,for sickness and in health as they say!

So this is not a moan, just some reflections and an excuse to keep in touch with you all, I seem to listen to less of the news,or read much of the news paper,but then again at least am spared one sort of hassle that way!

Hope you all are well.

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