The winter has set in now, the garden has settled into its hibernation and am trying to settle myself into the first winter on my own,the first in my adult life.
Though I am not on my own, when people say that am coping very well,then it is just not me ,am not left on my own to cope,i have children I can call on ,neighbours and friends and then you all are here too,i can drop in anytime ,day or night and talk to any of you.
I think the difference between some of us and those who become down and out is , that we have a support mechanism,in our friends,and family,we can call on.And those who really go under perhaps have none.
I do get miserable days, especially when everyone is getting ready for Christmas,I feel i do not wish to do anything. My daughter and son in law have both just got their consultants jobs in the NHS,they both are working on Christmas day,they want me to come over,but I do not feel I want to, friends have asked me to but I just wish to be alone, not do anything,just treat it as any other day. Am i being selfish,perhaps I am.
I have however booked myself to go away for the month of January,to Thailand, To the resort very much recommended by Haymaker,the people there seem very friendly and the fact that I will completely get away from the winter,and everything familiar quite appeals to me. And then I will not be among total strangers,I feel I know Haymaker.
It is not that my husband and I were joined at the hip! We were very different people, both strong willed and perhaps had our own likes and dislikes. I have always done all the things I do on my own,he was happy with his career, and his photography and he loved watching t.v. , where as I bustled around doing other things. But we were a unit, a couple. It is strange, how after one is gone you feel you are suddenly alone, even if you were doing your own thing all your life, may be it is the being in the background which counts.
I have not even thought about Christmas yet,I feel I do not want to, am I being selfish and self pitying? If I am then i assure you it is not intentional.