False Memories?

The recent episodes of the radio 4 drama ,the Archers ,has caused quite a stir. For those of you who are un familiar with the story, it is about a middle class couple , Helen  and her husband Rob.

To the naked eye as it goes, theirs is a perfect marriage. He has wooed her when she was a single mother ,living on her own , when she met Rob. He was married at the time , but wooed Helen via her young son, made himself indispensable ,and Helen ended up marrying him

and then he set about controlling her, nothing obvious, to the world he seemed the most caring man,who looked after Helen’s every need. But he constantly undermined her,politely and under the pretext of being caring. So much so that she lost all confidence in herself, became very dependent on him , and he started controlling her movements and her contacts.

This kind of scenario is very common in Asian culture. I hear there have been some 6,000 to the helpline, after this episode was aired. Am not sure if there were Asian women in it ,or if some of them are even aware of such abuse.

Asian society is very patriarchal, man is always given precedence , he is the one who controls the money , the legal aspects of life and every thing else. It is very easy and common for a woman to submit total control to the man, and believe that she is not capable of doing certain things.

Even though at the time you believed that the man was doing all this for you because he loved you. And as Rob constantly told Helen he loved her so so much.

SO is there a fine line between loving and controlling,or does one leads to the other?

Am I suffering with a false memory syndrome, why do I keep thinking back and recalling episodes of my life which some how fit the pattern?  Of course I was undermined and was repeatedly told by my parents that I was not capable of much,I grew up with very little self esteem and inner conflicts of my own. So when things were done for me, I was told that I won’t understand or be able to do certain things, I readily accepted them.

Though as I grew older I did do things I wanted to do, but it was not until I was left on my own, did I realise how much there was that I didn’t know or didn’t do!

Is that is what is known as control, or is it the way Asian men are brought up to treat their women, at least those of my generation,I have high hopes with the younger people.

I wonder how many Asian women are even aware of the this subtle control and the tag of being in capable?

I suspect there are many, who have no idea.

Perhaps ignorance is bliss in such circumstances. I wish I have not been a listener of the soap eithr.

And now it is too late.



3 replies to “False Memories?

  1. I admit this post was hard to read as I have had a controlling partner… but I know that confronting scary thoughts is helpful for working through them… It saddens me that as you say the Asian culture has these controlling aspects… I think there is a HUGE gap between control and love, but that the controller uses love to justify his or her action. Thank you for this much-needed post, Sabina.


    1. Christy thank you for looking in, I thought I have replied to you but for some reason the site didn’t register it as such, apologies. Yes there is a big difference but often control and selfishness masquerades as love. And often it is hard to know the difference. Thank you for being frank, am pleased that you are now in a better place. LOVEXX

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply to Christy Birmingham Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this:
close-alt close collapse comment ellipsis expand gallery heart lock menu next pinned previous reply search share star